Adventures in Photography

This post should be more accurately titled "Adventures in Photo Taking" because you will quickly notice there are no photography skills exhibited! Problem 1: We only had 3 minutes for photos this morning. Problem 2: Girlies were NOT cooperative! Problem 3: I don't have too many photography skills to bring to the table in the first place. Problem 4: I keep my camera on consecutive shot so that I have a chance of possible coinciding smiles. None of those are good conditions to get lovely 16x20 displayable photos. And since I'm too cheap to pay for something like that, I have to be happy with this:

I'm not winning any photography contests any time soon, but given the conditions, I have to be happy with what I got. At least the photos say a thousand words about real life personalities!

Tears

The other day I was reading this awesome article. A very small part of it talked about Mary's 'silent courage' in traveling to Bethlehem and delivering her first born son alone. The article itself is amazing (how can it not be, as it is by Elder Holland), and it brought strong emotions not only because it helped me appreciate the nativity story more deeply, but also because it was with 'silent courage' that Katie dealt with her cancer. She rarely complained, but spent her days cheering others who were saddened by her health. A bit later with those thoughts on my mind, I was reading to my girls and I choked up again. Tessa noticed the tears and asked why I was crying. I simply told her that I missed my sister. A few minutes later she was off in a corner faking a cry (although, she had me fooled for a few seconds!). I asked her what was wrong. She burst into more fake tears, "I miss Santa!" She has quite a knack for changing moods very quickly!

Tessa's 4th birthday

I feel bad Tessa's birthday was sandwiched in between Katie's death and funeral, (as was Katie's daughter's, Camille---they share a birthday) but what to do? I did make her two requests for meals--corn bread for breakfast and chicken and rice for lunch (her all time fave). She got band-aids, a book, a dress and a doctor's kit. After the lunch, most of the family took off for the football game. She got to watch a movie and then I took her for a hair cut--which delighted her to no end. Thankfully she didn't seem to notice everything else that was taking away from her day! Just a few pictures ('cause I was a bad mom and this is all I got!):

Katie's Funeral

Just a few pictures from the viewing. I didn't take many, but I did want to share the few I did. Mary had fallen asleep on the way to the mortuary and was quite distraught with being woken up. Dennis held her for a while but then tried to pass her off. She wouldn't have it. We finally got her a chair to sit by him. She sat there and held his hand for a large portion of the night. It was so sweet.

Caleb had been so concerned all week about 'being there for Brandon and Jeffrey' and wanted them to feel like he cared. He was a bit frustrated that they had to stand in the line because that meant he couldn't spend the time with them he wanted. So he joined them! He stood in the line with them most of the evening and quite a bit of the next day just to be a support for them. It was so so sweet.

Camille and Alexa (didn't get a picture of Drew)

I wanted to share just a few things from the tribute we gave at Katie's funeral (because we were running long, some of these things were not shared at that time).

After Katie's first year of college she got a job at Pizza Villa. Often I would have to go pick her up from work. At the end of each day, they just threw away any extra dough they had. But instead of doing that, we would secretly gift it to people—often leaving it on their doorsteps or in their mail boxes. Our hope was that it would rise and become a larger gift than we left. After dropping it off, we always got away fast! Once time we were in our dad's little white pick up truck with friends in the back. We delivered the pizza dough to a house on a deserted gravel road. We saw a car coming and just knew the people in it were the recipient of our gift. In that little stick-shift truck, Katie spun quite a bit on the gravel before peeling out. It made quite a racket and roughed up the rear passengers. Thankfully we weren't caught, but we became less-frequent doughers after that—perhaps that also had to do with our guilt about committing this crime on a seminary teacher! Katie was always a lot of fun.

Last year I needed a story about smiles effecting people for my sharing time. I asked my family in an email for help. This is the story I got from Katie:

"After my surgery and hardships after it, I was frustrated with the lack of service I could give. I prayed and felt inspired to wave at people. I couldn't drive, cook, clean, garden, sew or anything else, but I could wave and smile."

One day in this past October I called Katie. I asked what she was doing. She was moping floor---with one hand. I tried to talk her out of that telling her it wasn't necessary. But she wanted to. She had waited for so long to have this addition to her home and she wanted to keep it nice. Cleaning was such an important homemaking skill to her. She knew that a clean home invited the Spirit and she wanted to have a home worthy of that.

Katie told me that she really did not feel like going to church the Sunday after returning from Disneyland. She just didn't know how she could go and make it feeling the way she was. But then she realized that no matter how terrible she felt, she would go with her friends to lunch the next day. She couldn't justify missing church because she was miserable if the next day she was going to go out with friends regardless of how she felt. So she went. What an example!

Just last month Katie shared with me that her darkest moments of her life have been during pregnancies—even harder than cancer has been for her. She was willing to endure those painful months to bring each of her babies into the world. She always said that all she really wanted to be was a Mom--even at an emotional cost greater than cancer would be to her.

We feel that Katie's work from the other side of the veil began very soon. Just one evidence of that: The day Katie passed away, Mary was lost. While she wasn't crying or acting distraught, she would not leave Dennis's side or arms. She would not look at others or talk to them. The next morning she woke up at 6:00 and came right to me. She looked me in the eye and said with all the confidence in the world, “Mommy's better now.” Then she let me hold her and talk to her. Dennis came in and said that Mary told him “Mommy whispered in my ear. She is better now.” Mary was a different girl after that. She played and talked and interacted like before. I don't think that anything else could have convinced her and changed her behavior so dramatically. Tender mercies abound!

I'll close with the end of my dad's talk:

Now we have lost our mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. Does this frustrate the plan of our Father in Heaven? Does it frustrate the plan for this family? No to both questions. Everything is in order. God will compensate for our loss and make us all better because of it. Jesus is the Christ and has prepared everything for our returning to the God who gave us life.

A Tender Mercy

I went to visit Katie on November 9. I planned on staying until the evening of the 11th. However, because of her condition, I spent the nights mulling her future over in my mind instead of sleeping. By Thursday I was so very, very exhausted. I decided that since I have such a hard time staying awake while driving, it was best to spend Thursday night there and I made arrangements for my family for another half day. However, Thursday evening, my mother heart called loudly for me to get home to my own kids. So I left. I didn't leave a good situation. At that point, Katie needed constant care, I didn't stay long enough to help Drew with his homework and Dennis had parent teacher conferences to attend that night. (I had made 24/7 care arrangements for her, but because I thought Dennis would be home that evening, I didn't schedule the next helper until Friday morning.) And because of the hurriedness of my decision, I left without much of a goodbye to Katie. All the way home I berated myself for taking off in such haste and leaving Katie in such a bad situation. I felt very selfish and couldn't believe I put my needs before hers. Yet I kept on driving home. I spent the weekend feeling terrible I had done such a thing--especially after arriving home to a house full of sleeping children.

As she continued to decline over the weekend I called often to check on her and asked the care takers to be brave and ask hospice how long they thought she would live (I had heard that they could give a fairly accurate time frame). On Monday Andi called at 1:00 to say that hospice didn't think she would make it until the end of the week, but really it could be any time. I had to say goodbye to her and I couldn't risk waiting, so I threw a bag together and left 1/2 hour after that phone call. Her decline had been so fast and it didn't seem to be slowing down. I sensed that there just wasn't much time. About halfway during the 3 1/2 hour drive I sensed my Grandpa Bingham's presence. I told him that he couldn't take Katie until I got there. When I arrived, I could feel other angels present. I went into Katie and told her who I was---she smiled and said, "Thanks for telling me." On her own initiative she sat forward and gave me a hug. She stayed leaning forward trying to have a conversation, but just couldn't. After a little bit, she whispered, "I want to go." I told her that she would be able to soon and that it was okay. I helped her sit back and I talked to her for just a little bit.

That evening, Andi and Danna (my other two sisters) and I left Dennis and the kids so they could have a last family home evening together with Katie. We went to Idaho Falls and bought funeral clothes for Dennis and the kids. When we returned, we spent a little more time with Katie then chatted with Dennis a bit. That night I could not sleep. There were angels present and I could feel them and I sensed that they would take our sweet Katie very soon.

The next morning, I heard Dennis's alarm clock go off at 5:35, but he didn't get up so I stayed down too. In a bit I saw the light flip on and he came to me and said, "Katie's gone." She'd only been gone for a half hour or so. I was filled with sadness, yet relief. How happy I was for her! She had completed this very important mission here on earth well! My sisters and I were there to hug the children and help make plans for the day. Some of the kids wanted to go to school, but didn't want to be the one to tell friends or teachers so we made phone calls to friends and schools. How thankful I am that I was able to be there! There was so much peace in the home and there was great solace in being able to help.

As my sisters and I talked, we mused that Katie must have wanted us all there when she went. However, on Sunday when I was thinking about it, the impression came that it was Heavenly Father who orchestrated the gathering because He loved us! He wanted us to feel united as sisters--all 4 of us. (because, honestly, from time to time we do experience a little sibling rivalry and we needed unity during this). He knew part of the healing balm we would each need would stem from us sharing that experience together and being together as we shared our grief that morning. Being there was a tender mercy for all of us.

In hind sight, I would not have left for Blackfoot immediately when Andi called on Monday had I not left in such haste the Thursday before. I would have stayed and pulled things together for my family and waited until Tuesday morning to leave. That would have been too late. I now realize that the urge to leave for home Thursday night was a prompting from the Spirit. Through that awful experience of feeling selfish and leaving Katie in a hard situation, Heavenly Father was really preparing me to take part of a beautiful tender mercy. How kind and loving He is!