A Tender Mercy

I went to visit Katie on November 9. I planned on staying until the evening of the 11th. However, because of her condition, I spent the nights mulling her future over in my mind instead of sleeping. By Thursday I was so very, very exhausted. I decided that since I have such a hard time staying awake while driving, it was best to spend Thursday night there and I made arrangements for my family for another half day. However, Thursday evening, my mother heart called loudly for me to get home to my own kids. So I left. I didn't leave a good situation. At that point, Katie needed constant care, I didn't stay long enough to help Drew with his homework and Dennis had parent teacher conferences to attend that night. (I had made 24/7 care arrangements for her, but because I thought Dennis would be home that evening, I didn't schedule the next helper until Friday morning.) And because of the hurriedness of my decision, I left without much of a goodbye to Katie. All the way home I berated myself for taking off in such haste and leaving Katie in such a bad situation. I felt very selfish and couldn't believe I put my needs before hers. Yet I kept on driving home. I spent the weekend feeling terrible I had done such a thing--especially after arriving home to a house full of sleeping children.

As she continued to decline over the weekend I called often to check on her and asked the care takers to be brave and ask hospice how long they thought she would live (I had heard that they could give a fairly accurate time frame). On Monday Andi called at 1:00 to say that hospice didn't think she would make it until the end of the week, but really it could be any time. I had to say goodbye to her and I couldn't risk waiting, so I threw a bag together and left 1/2 hour after that phone call. Her decline had been so fast and it didn't seem to be slowing down. I sensed that there just wasn't much time. About halfway during the 3 1/2 hour drive I sensed my Grandpa Bingham's presence. I told him that he couldn't take Katie until I got there. When I arrived, I could feel other angels present. I went into Katie and told her who I was---she smiled and said, "Thanks for telling me." On her own initiative she sat forward and gave me a hug. She stayed leaning forward trying to have a conversation, but just couldn't. After a little bit, she whispered, "I want to go." I told her that she would be able to soon and that it was okay. I helped her sit back and I talked to her for just a little bit.

That evening, Andi and Danna (my other two sisters) and I left Dennis and the kids so they could have a last family home evening together with Katie. We went to Idaho Falls and bought funeral clothes for Dennis and the kids. When we returned, we spent a little more time with Katie then chatted with Dennis a bit. That night I could not sleep. There were angels present and I could feel them and I sensed that they would take our sweet Katie very soon.

The next morning, I heard Dennis's alarm clock go off at 5:35, but he didn't get up so I stayed down too. In a bit I saw the light flip on and he came to me and said, "Katie's gone." She'd only been gone for a half hour or so. I was filled with sadness, yet relief. How happy I was for her! She had completed this very important mission here on earth well! My sisters and I were there to hug the children and help make plans for the day. Some of the kids wanted to go to school, but didn't want to be the one to tell friends or teachers so we made phone calls to friends and schools. How thankful I am that I was able to be there! There was so much peace in the home and there was great solace in being able to help.

As my sisters and I talked, we mused that Katie must have wanted us all there when she went. However, on Sunday when I was thinking about it, the impression came that it was Heavenly Father who orchestrated the gathering because He loved us! He wanted us to feel united as sisters--all 4 of us. (because, honestly, from time to time we do experience a little sibling rivalry and we needed unity during this). He knew part of the healing balm we would each need would stem from us sharing that experience together and being together as we shared our grief that morning. Being there was a tender mercy for all of us.

In hind sight, I would not have left for Blackfoot immediately when Andi called on Monday had I not left in such haste the Thursday before. I would have stayed and pulled things together for my family and waited until Tuesday morning to leave. That would have been too late. I now realize that the urge to leave for home Thursday night was a prompting from the Spirit. Through that awful experience of feeling selfish and leaving Katie in a hard situation, Heavenly Father was really preparing me to take part of a beautiful tender mercy. How kind and loving He is!