I guess I'm just going to have to leave this post untitled. My numb brain just can't put a label on my feelings right now. I'm also afraid that it can't write a needed blog post very well. I want it to sound like I at least passed an English class or two, but in the end I'm not sure it will have any cohesion, correct grammar or even be comprehensible. So with that, here we go:
1. I just spent a few days with Katie.
2. It was a much needed stay for me because I needed to feel useful, not helpless in coping with her situation.
3. It was hard to see my sister like that.
4. She declined just in the 3 days I was there. And I was already heartbroken on the first day.
5. I was amazed at her courage to mother and care for her family even though breathing is difficult--even with oxygen, her energy level is below zero, water retention and swelling is great, her left arm doesn't work and her mental alertness is dulled due to medication. (staying awake is also difficult with the meds.)
6. I couldn't ever begin to list the services people are wanting to give to that sweet family. Offers to do scrapbooking, yard work, meals, driving children places, coming in and making the house look festive and cheerful. . . .and on and on and on. . . (not to mention the expense free trip to Disneyland they took last week) That said, everyone wants to do things and it has become overwhelming. If you want to be of service, you could contact me or Katie's RS president and we can direct you.
7. Dennis is a rock. He bustles and bustles caring for the family: cooking, cleaning, driving to and fro, shopping etc. Also in a well-past midnight conversation, I was encouraged by his faith and his courage to keep going, keep moving, keep working. . . .He's got a tough road ahead (it's not easy now), but he'll make it.
8. I'm home again and feeling helpless. It is not a good feeling. I brought home projects to do and I'm going to have to infuse my heart with a high dose of spiritual nourishment before I will feel capable of tackling those. (at least I hope that will give me a jump start--I wandered around aimlessly today with the numbness settling in heavier as the day progressed.)
Look at how brave Katie is. Her courage is strong! (don't let these pictures fool you---every single time Katie is in action she is exerting all the energy she has--mothering to this degree is very physically difficult for her.)
I'm going to end with what I'm clinging to right now--my favorite quote by President Hinckley:
"I believe that God will always make a way where there is no way. I believe that if we walk in obedience to the commandments of God, if we follow the counsel of the priesthood, He will open a way even where there appears to be no way."
Somehow this will weave into a beautiful eternal picture. I just can't see it now.
21 comments:
Darcee,
I thought you did a beautiful job of this post. You do such a wonderful job of letting the readers know how you are feeling, and helping us to feel it with you. Although I have to say that I didn't need "help" to feel this way in this instance (I was referring to other times you have posted.) I'm so sorry. Those words don't seem adequate. But I just had to leave a comment...
P.S.
I love the picture of Katie looking up at Dennis. I can't really see Dennis's face, but Katie's face is so full of love, it glows. It breaks my heart, and yet it fills it with peace at the same time. She looks so sweet in all of the pictures, in spite of what she is dealing with right now. I don't know if I could do the same if I were placed in her shoes. Katie, we love you.
I am glad I read your post before heading out. It has encouraged me and helped buoy up my courage to seek help from the Lord as I serve Katie. I am such a bawl baby and I worry that I will be of no help at all because I'll be so tearful.
I will continue to pray for your sweet sister and her family. Prayers also go out to you and your family.
It's not always easy to see and accept the the Lord's plan for us and for those we love. And our finite minds cannot make sense of our earthly travails. After following Katie's journey, I know that she has made a difference in many lives, including mine. What a beautiful life she is living.
p.s. I hate cancer.
Darcee, what a post!! Thank you for posting it, and allowing everyone to read and see what life is like right now. My heart aches, and as I sit here crying, I know that the Lord has a better view than we do right now. I pray that there will be peace in everyones life. I love you Darcee!! Thank you.
You, your sister, and her family have been in my prayers since you told me about her situation. May you all have peace and comfort in this difficult and challenging time. I lost my mom to cancer 9 years ago last month--it's never easy to watch someone we love suffer and struggle. I pray you will continue to trust in the Lord and allow His blessings to flow to you and your loved ones.
Darcee, thank you for posting this, my heart is breaking too. When I visited with her on Monday she was strong and vibrant...it is devastating that she is declining so quickly. I paid tribute to her on my blog this week, I'd love for you to see it if you'd like to. If you will send me your e-mail address I will send you an invite. My prayers are with her and all her family who are grieving, may you all find comfort and peace.
my e-mail...ksmithj5@msn.com
"I just can't see it now." I can't either. This is so sad to me.
I'm still learning about trusting in the only One who knows the future. Since I can't see it, I must believe in the One to whom the future belongs. Katie's voice and your own are examples to me of this kind of faith.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Thanks Darcee for this post. It made me cry too. I'm so grateful for the plan of salvation that will one day make everything OK. (I hope it's OK that I put a link to this post on my blog.)
Darcee your post is beautiful and so heartfelt. I admire Katie so much. She is such an amazing mother and woman. Thanks for sharing with us your perspective of an angel on earth. I love all the pictures of her in action. What an amazing mother.
Ache is what I feel and I'm pretty far removed. For the last little while Katie and all those close to her have been in my prayers. I just can't stop thinking about her. I feel so helpless and yet I know one of the greatest things I can do is pray, and that I do throughout the day for this sweet family. Thank you for the post
Thanks especially for the pictures. Katie is am amazing woman and person. Laura...Katie's friend from Texas
Thank you, Darcee, for sharing your heart, the information and doing for us what Katie couldn't do. We have so loved hearing from her. We send our most heart felt love to each of you. Thank you for the pictures. We agree - I just can't see it now. It is so unbelievable. God bless you all!
Feelings are so hard to express into words, you did amazing! I'm so happy that you could be there with her in these final days. My heart is with you and your family especially today!!! I am aching for you all. Sending you our love during this most difficult time.
Oh, Darcee, I am so sorry for your loss but am inspired by you and by Katie. I know God will be with you and your family through the coming days and weeks.
It's been months since I've visited you here. I'm so sorry to hear the news of Katie. I just popped over to her blog and am in awe of her and her family. Covering you in prayer for comfort and strength.
Matt was just reading your blog and I just wanted you to know I'm sorry to hear about Katie. But also want you to know that we're thinking of you at this time and sorry for your loss.
I do not know if any one will return to these comments but I can and must now comment. I am Katie's father and I cannot tell you how many times I have returned to read this blog because it brought to me the reality of how it was for Katie and all of us who could do little more than watch, ponder and weep and as was so aptly described in Darcee's closing comment of not being able to see. I wept at every reading.
Now after the beautiful funeral, the well wishes of everyone so many of them I do not know, the pile of cards from morning friends and time of comforting by the incomprehensible peace that only comes from the Spirit I write. I now read this blog without tears, I read it with joy for a life that is quite amazing but not much different from thousands who have also suffered so and been valiant. Katie had a couple of gifts that she had perfected quite well. One was the ability to be open and candid at all times. She had nothing to hide. The other was her reach to everyone who crossed her path. Just her smile was disarming and grabbing that said to everyone “I care about you”. There are also the unnumbered cards sent and acts preformed that reached to so many.
To everyone who knew her at any level I pray that you have the sense of peace that is so strong to the family. The hole her passing left will only be filled when we embrace her again as we surly will in the Fathers own time. The view of the beautiful tapestry of God is coming. I can’t wait.
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