November

Just for my records:

1) Week 1: Worked like crazy crossing things off my Primary to-do list and prepared to delegate out all my assignments so that I could be at Katie's errand for how ever long she needed (Since my Mom's was starting her radiation and I was the next closest sister, I knew I should be the one to take that role--at the time I made these arrangements, we had no idea how fast Katie would go). That week also included making lists/schedules etc. for those who remained home while I was to be gone. I also squeezed in a little shopping trip on Amazon to purchase Tessa's birthday gifts.

2) Week 2: I went to Katie's. I anticipated a lovely little catch up session on her Disneyland trip and some heart to heart sister chats while we worked on her "things to do before I die" list. I also hoped to clean a little, play with Mary a lot and maybe put some meals in the freezer. Not much of that happened. She was unable to carry on much of a conversation because her medication made her so sleepy and breathing became quite difficult with the slightest movements. My job became keeping her comfortable, answering the door and phone and arranging care for her. I did sneak in a few play sessions with Mary. After I returned home, I spent a lot of the time on the phone keeping updated, managing projects I had started with others(scrapbooks, tribute books etc.) and finalizing care arrangements. Saturday I went to the World Wide Training meeting. (I don't know if that felt so overwhelming because of all the changes or because of what was going on in my personal life. . .either way, it was a bit hard to bear that day.)

3) Week 3: Got the call from Andi reporting that the hospice nurse didn't expect that she would live until the end of the week. (Danna was also there.) Immediately I threw a bag together, made arrangements for my girls and left within 1/2 hour after that phone call. Katie passed away the next morning. Spent that day and the next helping Dennis with things he needed and cared and nurtured those six cute kids. The rest of the week was spent at home writing a funeral talk and making arrangements to be gone an entire week for the funeral and Thanksgiving. Had a little birthday lunch for Tessa--thankfully the shopping got done early. I didn't even have a chance to open the Amazon box until the night before her birthday.

4) Week 4: Worried about the weather. Andi's family and I left early so we could help dress Katie and pull things together for a display table. My family left later that day and got through Malad pass just before they closed it off. (Some of Dennis's siblings weren't as lucky.) The viewing was Tuesday night; funeral Wednesday. People said the service was nice, but I was numb and wasn't able enjoy it. I was a lot more emotional than I expected. Right after the luncheon on Wednesday we headed out on bad roads for Bear Lake---where Tom's family had a cabin reserved for the Thanksgiving weekend. We spent the rest of the week there and got home Saturday. (more about that in another post). Saturday evening we went to a much needed session at the temple.

I also did sharing time every Sunday in November. Busy, busy month! My girls are craving a little normalcy (as am I).

I guess I'm just going to have to leave this post untitled. My numb brain just can't put a label on my feelings right now. I'm also afraid that it can't write a needed blog post very well. I want it to sound like I at least passed an English class or two, but in the end I'm not sure it will have any cohesion, correct grammar or even be comprehensible. So with that, here we go:

1. I just spent a few days with Katie.

2. It was a much needed stay for me because I needed to feel useful, not helpless in coping with her situation.

3. It was hard to see my sister like that.

4. She declined just in the 3 days I was there. And I was already heartbroken on the first day.

5. I was amazed at her courage to mother and care for her family even though breathing is difficult--even with oxygen, her energy level is below zero, water retention and swelling is great, her left arm doesn't work and her mental alertness is dulled due to medication. (staying awake is also difficult with the meds.)

6. I couldn't ever begin to list the services people are wanting to give to that sweet family. Offers to do scrapbooking, yard work, meals, driving children places, coming in and making the house look festive and cheerful. . . .and on and on and on. . . (not to mention the expense free trip to Disneyland they took last week) That said, everyone wants to do things and it has become overwhelming. If you want to be of service, you could contact me or Katie's RS president and we can direct you.

7. Dennis is a rock. He bustles and bustles caring for the family: cooking, cleaning, driving to and fro, shopping etc. Also in a well-past midnight conversation, I was encouraged by his faith and his courage to keep going, keep moving, keep working. . . .He's got a tough road ahead (it's not easy now), but he'll make it.

8. I'm home again and feeling helpless. It is not a good feeling. I brought home projects to do and I'm going to have to infuse my heart with a high dose of spiritual nourishment before I will feel capable of tackling those. (at least I hope that will give me a jump start--I wandered around aimlessly today with the numbness settling in heavier as the day progressed.)

Look at how brave Katie is. Her courage is strong! (don't let these pictures fool you---every single time Katie is in action she is exerting all the energy she has--mothering to this degree is very physically difficult for her.)

I'm going to end with what I'm clinging to right now--my favorite quote by President Hinckley:

"I believe that God will always make a way where there is no way. I believe that if we walk in obedience to the commandments of God, if we follow the counsel of the priesthood, He will open a way even where there appears to be no way."

Somehow this will weave into a beautiful eternal picture. I just can't see it now.